Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Anybody want to finance a film about alcoholic dogs or something?

If your email account is anything like mine, you will be well familiar with the kind of message which purports to be from an African bank, or the wife of a recently deceased millionaire, or a fictitious lottery, advising you of the chance to claim, or help invest, a phenomenal sum of money. I get, on average, a couple a day. It's been years since I've stopped to read them, longer still since I was in the habit of replying for a laugh and stringing them along to see how far I could get without actually committing myself to anything.

But this one was a little different and, because it concerned cinema, it intrigued me rather. The other odd thing about it is that it doesn't actually ask me for anything; it merely tells me about a film the guy's trying to set up. Presumably it wants me to invest in the production, which, if I had any spare piles of cash (I'm still waiting for the dead African billionaire to cough up), I'd be sorely tempted to do, as I'm sure you'll agree it sounds like one terrific movie.

See what you think: the email is headed BEAR BEER DEAR 'movie', so I'm assuming that Bear Beer Dear is the film's title. If so, great.

Dear Sir,
Unique thrilling movie script is the basic, movie Producer and Company need to make a breathtaking production.
Roger is a hard working husband and father but is addicted to alcoholism. What become of Douglas, Rogerss second son who took to his brevity but a singular learnt habit of alcoholism has done him worst harm in life. Rogerss companion billy his dog is more than a pet to him, not even his family can come in between him and billy. How many animals must die by barrel? billy saved the life of Rogers at the hunting expedition by maneuvering whisky, Rogerss horse. billy was brilliant to have manipulated Ashley to drive Rogers home and thwarted Trevors pilfering plan on Rogers who is drunk to stupor. Georgianas manhandle by Rogers. Rogers scolded by Douglas at the birthday party of Mabel. Morris manipulated Douglas his friend to play hanky panky love game with Mabel. Trevor make comic of Douglass dad as Douglas reply lead to bloody fight at the night club. Ahmed chase of Douglas and Patton over an escaped accident. Roman, Douglas, Mabel and Patton mimic Rogers their dad who is dru
Thank you for finding time to read through.
Mr. Onyema Emmanuel.

How many animals must die by barrel? How many indeed.
This film's got the lot: people addicted to alcoholism, escaped accidents, hanky panky love games and dads who are dru. When you look at the kind of rubbish that does get greenlighted by the major studios these days, surely it's only a matter of time before Bear Beer Dear sets the box offices alight, with or without my financial assistance.