Thursday, December 17, 2009

We all have an important job to do

This Christmas sees the release of what looks set fair to be the most appalling film ever made by humans.
It's called Sherlock Holmes.
Perhaps you recognise the name.
Perhaps you may have read, or seen, something of the title character before.
Well, if you want future generations to have similar recollections it is vital that you stand up and say enough is enough. No longer can the talentless squirts of modern filmdom piss on the heritage they plunder without being answerable to we, its self-elected custodians.
Because if this monstrosity is allowed to pass unimpeded into the culture then nothing and nobody we love will ever be safe again.
You must do everything in your power to ensure that this film fails. But not just fail: it is not enough that it does disappointing business. It must belly-flop. It must disappear through a crack in the earth, leaving just a faint, foul smell where once it wallowed. It must make Ishtar, Waterworld and Hudson Hawk look like respectable minor hits.
If you have any regard whatsoever for the notion that cinema has a duty to show at least a soupcon of respect for its literary sources; if you have any affection whatever for Sherlock Holmes and his cinematic legacy, then please - do not under any circumstances see this film. Plead with everyone you know to do likewise. I don't care if Jude Law does things to you. Do not go even out of morbid curiosity. Every box-office dollar, every filled seat counts. You wouldn't have voted for Hitler out of morbid curiosity as to what the Third Reich might actually, rather than theoretically, have been like. Theoretically was plenty enough.
But if you have the least doubt, take a look at this trailer. It's all you need.
Admittedly the omens look good. The retakes were done in response to bad preview feedback, and if it's disaster we're after there are few safer hands for it to be in, directorially speaking, than Guy Ritchie's. But hope is not enough.
Let's go to work.